Tales of the Jedi (Part One)
*Okay, so I’m splitting this one up into three parts, because it is an adaptation of Ulic Qel-Droma & the Beast Wars of Onderon, The Saga of Nomi Sunrider and The Freedon Nadd Uprising. The Wookieepedia timeline doesn’t have it on there, but DinoJim does, and he splits it up, so we’ll do it that way.
*So, this time we’ll be talking about the bit that dramatizes Ulic Qel-Droma & the Beast Wars of Onderon.
*There is nothing quite like bad audio drama.
*Okay, you can stop referring to him as “Tott Doneeta.” One name is plenty.
*And if you’ve ever wondered how Twi’leks curse, they say, “By the great Twi’lek Goddess!”
*And if you thought Anakin Skywalker’s “Yippee!” was bad, you’ve got to hear Ulic Qel-Droma’s “Hooray!”
*A woman is required to scream, totally seriously, “My baby! It’s got my baby!” Suffice it to say, Meryl Streep’s got nothing to worry about.
*You know, you’d think it would be hard to say “No,” and sound totally fake and stupid, wouldn’t you? But it can be done. Oh, yes, it can be done. One word can sound stilted and awful, just as much as a whole monologue can.
*That Twi’lek cursing thing? They say that a lot. Just . . . a . . . whole . . . lot . . .
*The Twi’leks are intellectuals who despise violence? Since when? I guess this explains how so many of them end up in organized crime.
*Oh my God . . . the guy playing Ulic Qel-Droma is simply the worst actor I’ve come across in a long, long time.
*Okay, I’ve heard some stuffy British accents in my time, but that air traffic controller just sounds like he needs an enema.
*Okay, that villain could not be more laughable unless he actually said, “ARRRRR, it’s the life of a pirate for me, arrrrr.”
*Funny moment: Queen Amanoa bawls, “I call down the spirit of Freedon Nadd, Dark Jedi, upon your heads.” Kidnapper says, “O . . . kay . . .”
*Okay, if a missile was really going six times the speed of sound, you’d be shot down before you had time to talk about it for five minutes like you idiots do.
*Okay, even by the standards of audio drama, that cheer was just incredibly desultory.
*That’s not how you pronounce “chaotic,” smart one.
*Also, you should all probably reach some kind of consensus on how to pronounce “Onderon” cause this little ‘all saying it different’ method ain’t really working for me.
*Right, this was horrendous. What an awful idea. It’s actually making me think that I underrated the comic because this takes the comic and makes it so much worse. But I suppose even something that’s better than something else can still be worthless.
*CANONICAL STATUS: This retelling of an already fabricated story should obviously be viewed as even more fabricated and corrupted than the original. This work is NOT RECOMMENDED as a historical resource.
0 out of **** stars.
*Okay, next time, it’s back to the Tales of the Jedi Companion to check out another chapter: Sith Reborn! Join me then!
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