Je n'aime pas dans les vieux films américains quand les conducteurs ne regardent pas la route. Et de ratage en ratage, on s'habitue à ne jamais dépasser le stade du brouillon. La vie n'est que l'interminable répétition d'une représentation qui n'aura jamais lieu.

Star Wars Expanded Universe Chronology: Parallels: Kiran!

Parallels: Kiran

5,000 BBY

*Okay, so Parallels.  Have you heard of this?  I hadn’t, until I started going through Rob Mullins’ EU Chronology.  I saw it and thought, “Wait, what?”  It’s so odd for there to be a Star Wars thing that I haven’t even heard of.

*So, what is it?  Well, Mullins includes the non-official works of Nathan Butler, based on the fact that Butler is an author who has written officially and he thinks it is of interest to look at an author’s entire franchise based body of work.  And so, since Butler has official stories on the list, here too is one of his non-official fan-based works.

*This is a work originally distributed through Butler’s ChronoRadio site.  Parallels is a three part audio story.  It isn’t exactly a drama.  Butler, who wrote the story, serves as narrator and there is no music, outside the intro and outro, or sound effects.  But the three characters in the story are voiced by different actors.  So, it’s a sort of audio book with numerous readers.  I guess that’s the easiest way to think about it. 

*So, today, we’ll talk about the first section of the story.  Oh, yes, by the way, it’s still available for free download at the above link.  So, listen along with me; could be fun, right?  Something totally new and different that no one’s probably talked about much in this forum? 

*This first section is nearly fifteen minutes long.  It opens with a brief introduction that states that this story is going to tell of one of the events that was most influential in causing the Jedi to institute the rule about Jedi not having any romantic relationships.  You can basically stop listening now and you’ll already have a very accurate view of the story that’s about to be told.

*So, this is a fan production, much like this whole project I’m doing.  And I think we all respect Nathan’s achievements.  But I must say that the production is pretty bad here.  The music that plays under the intro and outro is played incredibly far back in the mix.  Is it not a copyright violation if you play it really, really quietly or what?

*So, Kiran is a Jedi Knight returning to his home on a planet known as Perdition.  He’s been away fighting in the Great Hyperspace War against Naga Sadow’s legions. 

*Huh, it’s mentioned that he was laid up in hospital for the entire month of “Melona.”  This is the first month name I think I’ve ever heard for the GFFA.  Anybody know the others?  How many are there in a standard year?

*Kiran is thinking, as he arrives, about the only two people he cares about in the galaxy.  His lover, Taleena and his “brother in all but the biological sense,” Danner.  If you can’t see where this is going, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. 

*So, Kiran has been reported dead and while in transit on his way back to Perdition, another Jedi planted the idea in his head that Taleena and Danner had “mourned him together” and become *ahem* lovers. 

*Kiran is pretty melodramatic: “Now in the color of her hair he could see only the striking color of the blades of the Sith warriors he had tracked to the edges of known . . . etc etc etc.” 

*Wow, the actor’s voices are mixed way louder than Butler’s narration.  That doesn’t seem right.  I mean, it’s striking how much louder they are.  I had my stereo cranked up pretty loud to catch Butler’s narration, which is pretty quiet.  And then they just about blew me out of my seat. 

*Speaking of being melodramatic . . .

*So, then, after seeing his girl and his friend again, Kiran seems about to let the rumor go.  He’s glad to get home and he wants to believe they’re innocent.

*But then, the Force screws things up again.  He picks up on Taleena’s perfume through the Force and then he realizes that some of the scent is coming from behind him, where Taleena is leaning against his shoulder and some from in front, where Danner is standing.

*Cue violence.

*Kiran confronts Taleena, if by “confront” we mean starts slamming her into the wall repeatedly. 

*She admits that she has indeed been unfaithful.  Danner arrives to defend her and the two brothers fight.

*When Kiran sees Danner coming, he thinks, “Let him defend his whore.”  Has that word ever been used elsewhere in the EU?  That actually shocked me. 

*So, Kiran does a little too cool for school somersault thing and manages to sever Danner’s hand and then his head.  He’s very cool about the head severing thing.  Takes his time with it.  Savoring the moment. 

*This is very overwrought.  “. . . slicing up through Danner’s left sleeve, searing the flesh underneath like the twin suns of Tatooine.  He’d make sure that the next time the pain would more closely resemble one of those stars going nova.” 

*At least neither of them says, “From my point of view.”

*So, Kiran moves to kill Taleena too, but then suddenly a Republic security agent comes on the scene and Kiran takes a blaster shot to the face.  “His last thought was of her, twirling with contentment in a flowering field on Alderaan . . . Rain began to fall on the field.  Rain the hue of blood.” 

*So, at approximately fourteen minutes, Part I ends.  All the legal stuff.  And “May the Force be with you.”

*Well, I think it’s pretty obvious that in Part II we’ll discover the innocuous reason why that perfume was coming from both of them.  And I’m going to go ahead and call it.  Taleena was actually unfaithful, not with Danner, but with the Jedi who told Kiran the story in the first place.  Yeah, that’s right, I’m goin’ there.

*Okay, well, this is a nice change of pace, I’ll admit that.  I enjoy spoken word audio, so it was fun to get some Star Wars not from reading or watching something, but in this form.  There are, of course, other examples of this, but it’s been a while since I’ve listened to any of them, so it was a good change up. 

*The story itself was simpler than I was hoping.  I was hoping for a more complex story.  But when you only have fourteen minutes, I suppose it’s best to keep things simple and even predictable. 

*CANONICAL STATUS:  This work is fairly explicit in its introduction that the tale about to be told is a myth, used to illustrate the reasons behind the Jedi vow of non-attachment.  It is NOT RECOMMENDED as a historical resource. 

** out of **** stars. 

Nathan Butler

*Next time, of course, we’ll see what Danner has to say for himself when we move on to part two of this one with Parallels: Danner!

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