Je n'aime pas dans les vieux films américains quand les conducteurs ne regardent pas la route. Et de ratage en ratage, on s'habitue à ne jamais dépasser le stade du brouillon. La vie n'est que l'interminable répétition d'une représentation qui n'aura jamais lieu.

Star Wars Expanded Universe Chronology: Tales of the Jedi: Ulic Qel-Droma & the Beast Wars of Onderon!

4,000 BBY

*The characters we’ll be following for a while now:  Cay and Ulic Qel-Droma, brothers and Jedi.  Jedi Master Arca.  Twi’lek Jedi Tott Doneeta. 

*They are dispatched to settle the *trumpet fanfare* Beast Wars of Onderon.  It’s stupid, so I’m not going into it.  If you’ve read anything about two feuding cultures, you’ve got the basics.

*Blah blah, daughter of the “civilized” culture kidnapped by raiders from the “primitive” culture.  Admittedly, the action sequence wherein the Beast Riders attack is excellently done.  Feels very fluid.

*If you guessed that the kidnapping was a fake, arranged so that the daughter could marry the man she truly loved, a member of the “primitive” culture, give yourself a gold star.  It’s like Romeo and Juliet.   If it had been written by an idiot. 

*The planet has been secretly under the sway of a Dark Jedi named Freedon Nadd (most unlikely name since Pussy Galore) and his followers, which includes the planet’s queen, for millennia.  Of course, the more rustic culture is aware of this and has been rebelling against the city dwellers for just this reason.

*This is a basic literary trope wherein the rustics are more enlightened than the more modern individuals.  Basically, in light of Star Wars, the entire Jedi phenomenon can be read in this light.  They adhere to ancient customs, use old weapons and are in touch with something modern science cannot touch.

*Okay, the queen is overthrown in perhaps the most anti-climactic showdown ever.  Yes, even more anticlimactic than The Dark Knight Rises.  Though at least when Queen Amanoa is revealed to be the surprise villain, she doesn’t monologue for ten minutes about it in the middle of the lightsaber battle. 

*Well, yeah, this era is going to be rough, you guys.

*CANONICAL STATUS: This attempt to give a backstory to some of the significant participants in the Sith War is a complete misfire; it is considered by most scholars to be completely fabricated.  This work is NOT RECOMMENDED as a historical resource.

0 out of **** stars. 

Tom Veitch

*Next time . . . oh, boy . . . it’s the audio adaptation of this story!  Tune in next time to see if audio drama Tales of the Jedi can improve this dreadful story at all.

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